1,001 Facts that Will Scare the S#*t Out of You Read online

  Written by

  Cary Mcneal

  Copyright © 2010 by Cary McNeal

  All rights reserved.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

  Published by

  Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

  57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

  www.adamsmedia.com

  ISBN 10: 1-60550-624-9

  ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-624-1

  eISBN: 978-1-44050-693-2

  Printed in the United States of America.

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  is available from the publisher.

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  —From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the

  American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

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  Certain sections of this book deal with activities and devices that would be in violation of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out or constructed. We do not advocate the breaking of any law. This information is for entertainment purposes only. We recommend that you contact your local law enforcement officials before undertaking any project based upon any information obtained from this book. We are not responsible for, nor do we assume any liability for, damages resulting from the use of any information in this book.

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  Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Chapter 1 Are You Gonna Eat That?

  The Ugly Truth about Food and Drink

  Chapter 2 Every Little Thing We Do Is Tragic

  Human (Mis)Behaviors

  Chapter 3 Totally Gross Anatomy

  The Human Body Exposed

  Chapter 4 Was It Bad for You, Too?

  Everything You Never Wanted to Know about Sex and Love

  Chapter 5 Will You Survive the 9-to-5?

  More Reasons to Hate Your Job, Your Boss, and Your Idiot Coworkers

  Chapter 6 We Be Illin’

  The Sickening Truth about Your Health

  Chapter 7 “And in My Spare Time, I Enjoy Dying”

  Bad News about the Things You Do for Fun—or Used To

  Chapter 8 Let Me Hear Your Potty Talk

  The Straight Poop on Going to the Bathroom

  Chapter 9 The Price of Vice

  Fifty More Reasons Not to Smoke, Drink, or Do Drugs

  Chapter 10 You Have the Right to Remain Shocked

  Things You Shouldn’t Know about Crime and Punishment

  Chapter 11 When It Rains, It Pours

  A S#*tstorm of Scary Facts about the Weather

  Chapter 12 You Animals!

  Beastly Tales of Creatures That Outnumber Us

  Chapter 13 The Fruited Plain

  Frightening Facts about America and Americans

  Chapter 14 Open Wide and Say, “Oh S#*t!”

  Bad Medicine. Really, Really, Really Bad

  Chapter 15 They Did What?!

  Not-So-Proud Moments in World History

  Chapter 16 Buggin’ Out

  Insect Facts That Will Give You the Creepy-Crawlies

  Chapter 17 Foreign Objects

  Strange Facts about Faraway Places Where People Talk Funny

  Chapter 18 Do You Believe?

  Facts and Claims about Aliens, Ghosts, the Olsen Twins, and Other

  Realms of the Unexplained

  Chapter 19 We’re Toast

  Bad News about Our World and Why We’re All Headed the

  Way of the Dodo

  Chapter 20 What the—?!

  The Worst of the Worst and the Weirdest of the Weird

  Acknowledgments

  Writing any book is a massive undertaking, and no author does it alone, even though you certainly feel alone when it’s 4:30 on a beautiful sunny spring afternoon and you’re stuck inside banging your head against the desk as you try to come up with something funny to say about people being beheaded or bugs that eat human flesh while all your friends and family are outside somewhere having fun without you, usually accompanied by alcohol.

  Still, a lot of people made this book happen, and I need to thank them. Especially if I want to get hired again. Those people are:

  Holly Schmidt and Allan Penn at Hollan Publishing, for giving me the opportunity to write this book, for believing in me, for coddling me and listening to me whine and bitch about how hard it was and convincing me it would be worth the effort in the end. It was.

  Matt Glazer and Paula Munier at Adams Media, for their guidance and patience, and for giving a first-time author a chance.

  Kirsten Amman, my researcher, whose task was monumental; yet she did it with vigor and efficiency and glee. For that I could kiss her, but I don’t want her boyfriend to beat my ass, so she’ll have settle for a heartfelt thank you.

  Jenny Bent of The Bent Agency, for her generous and invaluable advice, and Elaine English, my attorney, for reading all the long, wordy documents and knowing exactly which parts were most important.

  My friends Don and Danna Calder, for legal assistance, medical supervision, patience, and encouragement, and for entertaining my family while I was holed up writing.

  Beverly Linzer Jenkins and Adrianne Gershberg, the funniest chicks I know, for their comic genius and inspiration, and all my friends from List of the Day.

  Amy Miller and Tom Jacobsen for their unconditional friendship and for waiting months for me to answer their e-mails and return their phone calls.

  Amy Winter, my professional role model and friend, and the entire crew at Wolff Bros Post.

  My parents, Perry and Jean McNeal, and the rest of my family for their interest in, and support of, my writing.

  My wife Paige and daughter Keaton for loving me no matter what.

  Introduction

  The world is a

  frightening place.

  But you already knew that; you read it in the paper, hear about it from friends, see it with your own eyes every time you turn on the TV to watch bad singers or dancers subject themselves to abuse from judges with no more talent than the contestants, or see a web video of a teenager shooting a bottle rocket from his ass for amusement, or get plowed from behind in your car by another driver who was texting “LMAO” to his friends instead of noticing that the light had turned red and you had stopped.

  If random violence doesn’t get you, cancer will. If cancer doesn’t, global warming will. If global warming doesn’t, bullet ants will. Or botflies. Or lightning. Or tsunamis. Or the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Or Fijian headhunters. Or just normal everyday activities like drinking water, eating an orange, breathing the air, or having sex with a goat.

  Yes, we are in deep doo-doo. You should be s
cared to death, right?

  Wrong.

  Okay, sure, this is a book of scary facts, and the more you read, the more afraid you are likely to be. I wouldn’t be doing my job if you weren’t. But if forewarned is forearmed, then the more you know, the safer you’ll feel, even if it’s a false sense of security since you can’t do a thing about most of what you read here. But who cares, as long as you feel better?

  If not—if this information scares the shit out of you—that’s okay, too. You’re probably reading this on the crapper, anyway, and what better place to be scared shitless? Isn’t that the idea, to be shitless? At least you aren’t befouling a nice pair of pants. I’m also keeping you regular. You’re welcome.

  While I’m scaring you, though, I also hope to make you laugh. There’s a joke after every fact, for chrissakes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make jokes about things like a guy getting the wrong testicle removed during surgery? Okay, bad example. But you get the idea: you should laugh when you read this book. If you don’t, either you have no sense of humor or I need a new career. I’m too old to start a new career, so the blame falls squarely on you.

  Be warned also that you might be offended by this book when I make fun of someone or something you love. Butts of my jokes include doctors, dentists, Latvians, Texans, kids, pets, Deadheads, mothers-in-law, Death Row inmates, Catholics, Pentecostals, Sammy Hagar, Lyle Lovett, the French, Tennessee, fast-food employees, and numerous other people, places and things. I also make ample fun of myself, my wife, my (fictitious) sex life, my home state of Georgia, and other things I hold near and dear. So unbunch your panties and laugh a little. Even you, Sammy Hagar.

  Far more offensive than my jokes are the ridiculous things that occur in this world on a daily basis, so read these facts and be afraid, be amused, be annoyed, be aghast, be whatever. You already bought the book and I already got paid, so I don’t really care. Sorry, just being honest. (Sort of.)

  And remember: front to back, and keep wiping until the TP is clean.

  Your pal,

  Cary McNeal

  CHAPTER 1

  Are You

  Gonna

  Eat That?

  The Ugly Truth

  about Food

  and Drink

  * * *

  1

  FACT : Bottled drinking water has been marketed as being cleaner and more pure than ordinary tap water, but, in a recent study, a third of bottled water showed significant chemical or bacterial contamination, including arsenic, nitrates, carcinogenic compounds, and coliform bacteria.

  Probably the bottom third; that kind of stuff tends to sink.

  “Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?” National Resources Defense Council, www.nrdc.org.

  * * *

  2

  FACT : Bottled water is rarely tested for purity. An Environmental Working Group study found that ten popular brands were riddled with chemical pollutants and bacteria, some as high as tap water. Hey, you wanted low prices.

  “FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goals for Bottled Water,” news release, Environmental Working Group, November 19, 2008, www.ewg.org.

  “Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?” National Resources Defense Council, www.nrdc.org.

  * * *

  3

  FACT : While the results of tap water contamination tests are made public, manufacturers of bottled water do not divulge their test results. Chalk it up to the protection of trade secrets. Every brand of bottled water has its own proprietary blend of pathogens, contaminants, and waste that give the product its uniquely refreshing taste.

  “FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goals for Bottled Water,” news release, Environmental Working Group, November 19, 2008, www.ewg.org.

  * * *

  4

  FACT : According to government and industry estimates, almost 40 percent of bottled water is ordinary tap water, often with no additional treatment. “Additional treatment” = changing out the lawn hose before filling a new batch.

  “FDA Should Adopt EPA Tap Water Health Goals for Bottled Water,” news release, Environmental Working Group, November 19, 2008, www.ewg.org.

  “Bottled Water: Pure Drink or Pure Hype?” National Resources Defense Council, www.nrdc.org.

  * * *

  5

  FACT : Almost 99 percent of imported food is never inspected by the FDA or USDA, the two agencies responsible for protecting Americans from tainted products. They’re busy testing bottled water.

  Andrew Bridges, “Imported Food Rarely Inspected,” USA Today, April 16, 2007, www.usatoday.com.

  * * *

  6

  FACT : One pound of peanut butter can contain up to 150 bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs. Up to 150. That means there could only be 120–130. Whew! I was almost disgusted there for a second.

  Stephanie Bailey, “Bug Food: Edible Insects,” University of Kentucky College of Agriculture, Entomology Department, www.ca.uky.edu.

  “Food Defect Action Levels,” U.S. Food and Drug Administration Center for Food Safety and Applied Nutrition, last updated November 2005, www.cfsan.fda.gov.

  * * *

  7

  FACT : One in five office coffee mugs contains fecal bacteria and E. coli, which can cause diarrhea, food poisoning, and infections. Not surprising, since most office coffee tastes like shit. Related fact: Three of five office coffee mugs feature sayings that are meant to be funny but aren’t, like “Bean me up, Scotty” and “No coffee, no workee.”

  Stephanie Muller, “Stay Healthy with Tips from a Germ Freak,” Health Communications Quarterly, October 19, 2005, www.usjt.com.

  “Dr. Germ,” Information for News Media, University of Arizona College of Agricultural and Life Sciences, February 17, 2005, www.cals.arizona.edu.

  * * *

  8

  FACT : Vegetarians beware: many low-fat and nonfat yogurts and sweets contain gelatin, which is made from animal tendons, ligaments, and bones. You’d think the crunching would give it away. It must be drowned out by the sound of all those vegetarians patting themselves on the back for being vegetarians.

  Ayami Chin, “Gross Facts You May Have Never Wanted to Know,” Associated Content, May 24, 2007, www.associatedcontent.com.

  Ernest R. Vieira and Louis J. Ronsivalli, Elementary Food Science, 4th ed. (Springer, 1999), 237.

  Audrey Ensminger, Foods and Nutrition Encyclopedia, 2nd ed. (CRC Press, 1994), 1057.

  * * *

  9

  FACT : Fining is a process used by most wineries to remove particles and impurities from wine. Typical fining agents include isinglass (a collagen from sturgeon bladders), gelatin, and ox blood. Whatever impurities are removed by fining, are they worse than fish urine, animal bones and ox blood?

  Thor Iverson, “Ladybug Marmalade,” Stuff Boston, January 12, 2009, www.stuffboston.com.

  Emile Peynaud, Knowing and Making Wine, trans. Alan Spencer, 2nd ed. (Wiley-IEEE, 1984), 291–294.

  * * *

  10

  FACT : Even when grapes are harvested by hand, some insects wind up in the pickers’ baskets. Workers simply don’t have time to inspect every grape individually as they work. Consider it fiber. We all need fiber.

  Thor Iverson, “Ladybug Marmalade,” Stuff Boston, January 12, 2009, www.stuffboston.com.

  G. L. Creasy, G. I. Creasey, and Leroy L. Creasy, Grapes (CABI, 2009), 180.

  * * *

  11

  FACT : Most wines are made from grapes harvested by machines that scythe through everything in their path, including sticks, insects, rodents, and even larger mammals, which can make their way into the end product. This is known to wine growers as MOG, or “material other than grapes.” MOG also stands for “Mother of God, I think that was a hoof.”

  Thor Iverson, “Ladybug Marmalade,” Stuff Boston, January 12, 2009, www.stuffboston.com.

  Ronald S. Jackson, Wine Science: Principles and Applications, 3rd ed. (Academic Press, 2008), 335.

  John Smith, “
Grapes: MOG,” Oakstone Winery, www.oakstone-winery.com.

  * * *

  12

  FACT : In 2001, the Ontario, Canada wine region was hit by an infestation of ladybugs, which infiltrated many area wineries. When agitated, ladybugs secrete a strong, foul liquid containing pyrazine, a flavor similar to rancid peanuts—and one that was perceptible in numerous wines of that vintage. Rancid Pinot Noir and Bugjolais, for example.

  Thor Iverson, “Ladybug Marmalade,” Stuff Boston, January 12, 2009, www.stuffboston.com.

  “Ladybug, Ladybug, Get Outta My Wine,” Canadian Broadcasting Centre News, January 28, 2003, www.cbc.ca.

  * * *

  13

  FACT : Molds are tiny organisms with thread-like roots that burrow deep into the foods where they grow. While some molds are safe, like those used to make certain kinds of cheeses—Roquefort, Gorgonzola, Brie—most molds are unsafe for consumption, as they can contain listeria, brucella, salmonella and E. coli. Mold is also used to make Frumunda, a briny, piquant cheese from the Nether regions of Crackoslovokia.